There isn't a second of my day that I don't think about you.
My tears should have run dry by now.
But it hasn't.
I'm living my life, but every time i take a breath, i suffocate.
So he asked.
Why did I stay?
When I know there is no hope between us.
But I stayed.
I myself still unsure.
I know it will eventually end one day,
And yet, I chose to stay.
I chose to suffer myself.
I chose this.
Going deeper and deeper into the relationship.
Loving him more and more each day.
Until one day, I have to leave him.
Am I really unsure?
Or I do know the answer.
But I refuse to say it out loud.
So my brain won't hear.
So the heart can lead me astray.
I stayed because,
I love you.
And I secretly hope that,
I could change your mind.
Even I know it is almost impossible.
Because, who am I to change your decision?
You are a man of your words.
I know you love me.
But you don't love me enough to choose me.
You know I love you.
But I don't love you enough to sacrifice my future.
Finally u gave up.
You can't take it anymore.
You can't make me change my mind, just like I can't make you change yours.
We both know what we want, and we can't have it.
You said, there is no point in staying anymore.
There is no point in fighting anymore.
There is nothing to fight for.
We both will get hurt much worse if we continue.
Thank you for giving up.
Because, if it was me,
I don't know if I have the will to do so.
Thank you for doing it for me.
You be good.
You will live.
I will survive.
Thank you for the moments.
Thank you for all the sweet memories.
Sorry I interfere with your life.
Why did I stay?
I rather love someone I can't have,
Be with someone I don't love.
Pernah tak you've been in a relationship, that you know will end? Either he who will end it, or you will end it. Pernah? Although u know it will end, but u stayed anyway. Pernah?
Usually people get into serious relationship, for one reason kan? To get married. To live their lives together. To be happy forever and ever.
But not this one particular relationship i know. Well, they both love each other so much. At least one side i know loves the other so much. But, under one circumstance, they cant have a happy ending for their love story.
It is too complicated to explain what and why. But, one thing for sure, if they ever to get married, only one side will be happy. The other have to pretend to be happy. Ape makna marriage if it is full of pretend? You have to suffer for the rest of your life just to be with the one that you love. Sanggup nak hidup macam tu? Kau dapat apa kau nak, tapi kau tak bahagia. Bole hidop dengan tak bahagia? Hari-hari makan hati. Hari2 fake a smile so that your loved one really believe u r happy to be with him.
So now here you are. Nak tinggalkan, tak sanggup. Tapi nak teruskan tak terdaya dah. You are in a relationship, yang setiap hari menunggu bila akan tamat. Tapi sepanjang hari-hari tu, you build more and more memories together. Your love grow deeper and deeper towards each other.
Even so, everyday u would secretly pray, for the day the two of you become one will finally come.
And only the two of you.
Dah lama tak update blog.
Rasa janggal pulak.
But I need to say what I need to say.
Susah nak bahagia.
These few month,
Too many heartbreaks.
Too many lost.
So little of the good times.
Then one day,
You came back.
Brought me hope.
Hope that I longed for.
That I have been waiting for all this while.
I was happy.
I was over the moon.
I can finally see the light.
I can see the glimpse of happiness in front of me.
That soon will be mine.
But I was wrong.
I got excited too early.
The happiness you brought was only for a short while.
And yet, I willingly let you hurt me.
Willingly let you played me.
I was torn. I was done.
I let you break me. Inside out.
I didn't fight.
Because I loved you too much.
Now I am here again.
In this mess.
A mess i created myself.
I want to run away.
But you chained me.
I want to be happy away from you.
But how can I when you are the reason for my smiles?
I want to hate you, I should hate you,
but I grew fond of you.
I need to move on.
You are not for me.
Even if I am for you.
I am tired.
With all the dramas.
I just want my happiness.
I want you.
No one in between.