Rindu

There isn't a second of my day that I don't think about you.
My tears should have run dry by now.
But it hasn't.

I'm living my life, but every time i take a breath, i suffocate.

Why did I stay?

So he asked.
Why did I stay?
When I know there is no hope between us.
But I stayed.

I myself still unsure.
I know it will eventually end one day,
And yet, I chose to stay.

I chose to suffer myself.
I chose this.
By staying,
Going deeper and deeper into the relationship.
Loving him more and more each day.
Until one day, I have to leave him.

Am I really unsure?
Or I do know the answer.
But I refuse to say it out loud.
So my brain won't hear.
So the heart can lead me astray.

I stayed because,
I love you.
And I secretly hope that,
I could change your mind.
Even I know it is almost impossible.
Because, who am I to change your decision?
You are a man of your words.

I know you love me.
But you don't love me enough to choose me.
You know I love you.
But I don't love you enough to sacrifice my future.

Finally u gave up.
You can't take it anymore.
You can't make me change my mind, just like I can't make you change yours.
We both know what we want, and we can't have it.
You said, there is no point in staying anymore.
There is no point in fighting anymore.
There is nothing to fight for.
We both will get hurt much worse if we continue.

Thank you for giving up.
Because, if it was me,
I don't know if I have the will to do so.
Thank you for doing it for me.

You be good.
Remember,
You will live.
And,
I will survive.

Thank you for the moments.
Thank you for all the sweet memories.
And,
Sorry I interfere with your life.

So,

Why did I stay?

Because,

I rather love someone I can't have,

Then,

Be with someone I don't love.

This crazy relationship

Pernah tak you've been in a relationship, that you know will end? Either he who will end it, or you will end it. Pernah? Although u know it will end, but u stayed anyway. Pernah?

Usually people get into serious relationship, for one reason kan? To get married. To live their lives together. To be happy forever and ever.

But not this one particular relationship i know. Well, they both love each other so much. At least one side i know loves the other so much. But, under one circumstance, they cant have a happy ending for their love story.

It is too complicated to explain what and why. But, one thing for sure, if they ever to get married, only one side will be happy. The other have to pretend to be happy. Ape makna marriage if it is full of pretend? You have to suffer for the rest of your life just to be with the one that you love. Sanggup nak hidup macam tu? Kau dapat apa kau nak, tapi kau tak bahagia. Bole hidop dengan tak bahagia? Hari-hari makan hati. Hari2 fake a smile so that your loved one really believe u r happy to be with him.

So now here you are. Nak tinggalkan, tak sanggup. Tapi nak teruskan tak terdaya dah. You are in a relationship, yang setiap hari menunggu bila akan tamat. Tapi sepanjang hari-hari tu, you build more and more memories together. Your love grow deeper and deeper towards each other.

Even so, everyday u would secretly pray, for the day the two of you become one will finally come.

And only the two of you.

Susahnya nak bahagia

Dah lama tak update blog.
Rasa janggal pulak.
But I need to say what I need to say.

Susah nak bahagia.

These few month,
Too many heartbreaks.
Too many lost.
So little of the good times.

Then one day,
You came.
You came back.
Brought me hope.
Hope that I longed for.
That I have been waiting for all this while.
I was happy.
I was over the moon.
I can finally see the light.
I can see the glimpse of happiness in front of me.
That soon will be mine.

But I was wrong.
I got excited too early.
The happiness you brought was only for a short while.
And yet, I willingly let you hurt me.
Willingly let you played me.
I was torn. I was done.
I let you break me. Inside out.
I didn't fight.
Because I loved you too much.
Now I am here again.
In this mess.
A mess i created myself.

I want to run away.
But you chained me.
I want to be happy away from you.
But how can I when you are the reason for my smiles?
I want to hate you, I should hate you,
but I grew fond of you.
Each day.

I need to move on.
You are not for me.
Even if I am for you.

I am tired.
With all the dramas.
I just want my happiness.
Back.
Please.

I want you.
No one in between.

I just can't stay mad at you.

But I am glad our paths crossed.You made mE happy even for a short while.

Too afraid to fight the odds.

Or is it just something you said? Out of sympathy?

Percutian Yang Dinanti: Mabul-Kapalai-Bohey Dulang, Sabah -Underwater Video-

Hari tu cerita pung pang pung pang pasal holiday ke islands around Semporna sampai lupa nak share video. Haaaa, ni dia video nya. Enjoyla...

Selalu aku pergi holiday dengan kawan2, asyik wat video muke dorang je. Muke aku memang takde. Fokus kat dorang. Skang ni, kasi terbalik la.. Aku banyak selfie shot diri aku. Haha.. Sempena sesuai dengan tema lagu, Rescue by Yuna. Yang ditujukan khas buat diri sendiri.. Huhu. Deep.. deep..

Layankannn...

Pada yang tak baca previous post, we stayed at Arung Hayat when in Mabul. Budget resort yang bagi aku sangat selesa nak berbaloi dengan harga. And di Semporna, we stayed at Dragon Inn. Resort yang memang cantiklah luar dalam, no doubt. huhu..

Percutian Yang Dinanti : Pulau Mabul - Pulau Kapalai - Pulau Bohey Dulang

Secara personalnya, bercuti ke Pulau Mabul memang dah lama aku idam-idamkan. Sejak dari zaman IPG lagi. Memang aku dah lama berhasrat that one day, aku akan jejakkan kaki ke sana. Pulau yang banyak diperkatakan orang. Mempunyai underwater scenery yang sangat-sangat cantik yang mampu kalahkan Pulau Perhentian. I want to see it for myself. I want to experience it for myself. So, mid-February haritu aku gather my geng kaki jalan and luahkan hasrat dihatiku. Huhu. And Alhamdulillah, depa suma setuju nak gi. Hence, we picked the date, and it happen to be during  good friday holiday.

18-20 April 2014.

As always, aku lah yang kene rancang semua. haha. ticket flight, trip pakej etc. So sepanjang nak sampai ke 18th April tu, keje aku email resort, call sana call sini, carik pakej termurah. And in the end, Alhamdulillah, more or less I got what I want and am satisfied with it. Aku tak merungut. Aku suke handle bende2 gini. Sebab ni holiday aku. So bile aku buat seniri, aku rasa puas hati sebab aku dapat ape aku nak. Aku dapat ape yang aku idamkan dengan harga yang aku inginkan. Cuma terkilan sedikit dengan harga tiket flight lah. Sebab bajet memang tak lebih 300 return, but turn out to be 400++ return. Semuanya sebab lambat beli.

Untuk cost pakej ni pulak, actually aku tak amek pakej dengan resort yang kitorg stay. Perancangan awalnya memang nak amek pakej, which is about rm370-rm430 per pax inclusive of boat ride, snorkeling trip to 2-3 spots, accomodation and food for 3 days 2 nights. Tapi pakej tu mmg takdela snorkel sampai Kapalai or Bohey Dulang. Extra charge klu nak ke situ. Then aku diperkenalkan dengan seorang member kepada member ni yang posting dekat area Semporna. This guy memang best wa cakap lu. Pulau-pulau kat Semporna ni memang hujung janggut dia je. Haha. Baru duk situ tak sampai setahun tapi boleh sembang da macam expert pulau dah. Syukur lah aku ditemukan dengan orang yang betul untuk trip kali ni. So dengan dia lah aku banyak berurusan. Rasa macam menyusahkand dia pon ade jugak. hahahaha. Nasib lah labu.

So anyways, this guy, Omar, dia suggest sewa boat sahaja untuk sepanjang 3 days trip ni. Boat tu akan bawak ke Pulau Mabul where we gonna stay and also to snorkeling places. Dia jugaklah yang suggest pergi Bohey Dulang. Kalau dia tak cakap, memang aku tak akan tau pasal pulau Bohey Dulang nih sebab pulau ni memang tak banyak travel agent promote. So, sebabkan dia expert n dia banyak contact, dia tolong aku setelkan hal boat, and permit bagai. Keje aku, setelkan penginapan dekat Mabul and dekat Semporna. And also flight tix from Sarawak to Sabah. And also kumpulkan orang kampung for the trip. Alhamdulillah trip ni mendapat banyak sambutan, and total number of people yang join = 16!! Tak pernah aku handle group trip sebesar ini.. fuhhh fuhhh~!!! So total cost for the trip only exclusive of flight tix is around RM300 -ish.

So nak tau rentetan percutian aku? Meh aku cite satu per satu.

How to Handle Break Up. Menghadapi Putus Cinta.

Putus cinta tu sakit. Amat menyakitkan. Lagi-lagi bila hubungan tuh dah cecah lebih 5 tahun. Dah rancang masa depan bersama. Dah boleh bau dah nasi minyak tuh. Dah boleh bayang dah duduk atas pelamin sama-sama. Tapi percaturan Allah mengatasi segalanya kan. Kita hanya merancang, dia menentukan. cliche. I know. But that is the truth. Kite boleh bercinta la selama mana pon kita nak. Boleh rancang lah nak sehidup semati dengan dia. Tapi kalau Allah kata dia bukan, maka bukanlah. Walaupun selama bertahun tu ko cube melawan takdir, cube menstabilkan telur dihujung tanduk, kuasa Allah lebih hebat.

Dapat feel dah? Awesome tak intro aku? haha. OK, so this post here, gonna talk you guys through how to handle your break up. Well, you might disagree with me, but this is how I handle break up, and so far it is working out great. So, maybe if you find it hard to handle your break-up, lets give my way a try!