Rindu

There isn't a second of my day that I don't think about you.
My tears should have run dry by now.
But it hasn't.

I'm living my life, but every time i take a breath, i suffocate.

Why did I stay?

So he asked.
Why did I stay?
When I know there is no hope between us.
But I stayed.

I myself still unsure.
I know it will eventually end one day,
And yet, I chose to stay.

I chose to suffer myself.
I chose this.
By staying,
Going deeper and deeper into the relationship.
Loving him more and more each day.
Until one day, I have to leave him.

Am I really unsure?
Or I do know the answer.
But I refuse to say it out loud.
So my brain won't hear.
So the heart can lead me astray.

I stayed because,
I love you.
And I secretly hope that,
I could change your mind.
Even I know it is almost impossible.
Because, who am I to change your decision?
You are a man of your words.

I know you love me.
But you don't love me enough to choose me.
You know I love you.
But I don't love you enough to sacrifice my future.

Finally u gave up.
You can't take it anymore.
You can't make me change my mind, just like I can't make you change yours.
We both know what we want, and we can't have it.
You said, there is no point in staying anymore.
There is no point in fighting anymore.
There is nothing to fight for.
We both will get hurt much worse if we continue.

Thank you for giving up.
Because, if it was me,
I don't know if I have the will to do so.
Thank you for doing it for me.

You be good.
Remember,
You will live.
And,
I will survive.

Thank you for the moments.
Thank you for all the sweet memories.
And,
Sorry I interfere with your life.

So,

Why did I stay?

Because,

I rather love someone I can't have,

Then,

Be with someone I don't love.

This crazy relationship

Pernah tak you've been in a relationship, that you know will end? Either he who will end it, or you will end it. Pernah? Although u know it will end, but u stayed anyway. Pernah?

Usually people get into serious relationship, for one reason kan? To get married. To live their lives together. To be happy forever and ever.

But not this one particular relationship i know. Well, they both love each other so much. At least one side i know loves the other so much. But, under one circumstance, they cant have a happy ending for their love story.

It is too complicated to explain what and why. But, one thing for sure, if they ever to get married, only one side will be happy. The other have to pretend to be happy. Ape makna marriage if it is full of pretend? You have to suffer for the rest of your life just to be with the one that you love. Sanggup nak hidup macam tu? Kau dapat apa kau nak, tapi kau tak bahagia. Bole hidop dengan tak bahagia? Hari-hari makan hati. Hari2 fake a smile so that your loved one really believe u r happy to be with him.

So now here you are. Nak tinggalkan, tak sanggup. Tapi nak teruskan tak terdaya dah. You are in a relationship, yang setiap hari menunggu bila akan tamat. Tapi sepanjang hari-hari tu, you build more and more memories together. Your love grow deeper and deeper towards each other.

Even so, everyday u would secretly pray, for the day the two of you become one will finally come.

And only the two of you.

Susahnya nak bahagia

Dah lama tak update blog.
Rasa janggal pulak.
But I need to say what I need to say.

Susah nak bahagia.

These few month,
Too many heartbreaks.
Too many lost.
So little of the good times.

Then one day,
You came.
You came back.
Brought me hope.
Hope that I longed for.
That I have been waiting for all this while.
I was happy.
I was over the moon.
I can finally see the light.
I can see the glimpse of happiness in front of me.
That soon will be mine.

But I was wrong.
I got excited too early.
The happiness you brought was only for a short while.
And yet, I willingly let you hurt me.
Willingly let you played me.
I was torn. I was done.
I let you break me. Inside out.
I didn't fight.
Because I loved you too much.
Now I am here again.
In this mess.
A mess i created myself.

I want to run away.
But you chained me.
I want to be happy away from you.
But how can I when you are the reason for my smiles?
I want to hate you, I should hate you,
but I grew fond of you.
Each day.

I need to move on.
You are not for me.
Even if I am for you.

I am tired.
With all the dramas.
I just want my happiness.
Back.
Please.

I want you.
No one in between.

I just can't stay mad at you.

But I am glad our paths crossed.You made mE happy even for a short while.

Too afraid to fight the odds.

Or is it just something you said? Out of sympathy?

How to Handle Break Up. Menghadapi Putus Cinta.

Putus cinta tu sakit. Amat menyakitkan. Lagi-lagi bila hubungan tuh dah cecah lebih 5 tahun. Dah rancang masa depan bersama. Dah boleh bau dah nasi minyak tuh. Dah boleh bayang dah duduk atas pelamin sama-sama. Tapi percaturan Allah mengatasi segalanya kan. Kita hanya merancang, dia menentukan. cliche. I know. But that is the truth. Kite boleh bercinta la selama mana pon kita nak. Boleh rancang lah nak sehidup semati dengan dia. Tapi kalau Allah kata dia bukan, maka bukanlah. Walaupun selama bertahun tu ko cube melawan takdir, cube menstabilkan telur dihujung tanduk, kuasa Allah lebih hebat.

Dapat feel dah? Awesome tak intro aku? haha. OK, so this post here, gonna talk you guys through how to handle your break up. Well, you might disagree with me, but this is how I handle break up, and so far it is working out great. So, maybe if you find it hard to handle your break-up, lets give my way a try!

Abell Hilang

Harini genap 3 hari Abell hilang.
Rabu, Ein msg bagitau Abell tak balik rumah since Tuesday night. Malam tu dia balik, makan, then keluar balik. The next morning (Rabu), usually Abell would go to our neighbour's for breakfast. But he didn't show up. The neighbour, being concerned, went to our house to check up on Abell. Tapi dia takde.

Sampai harini.. Jumaat. He still hasn't come back yet. Ein da carik area kampung. No sign of him. Rumah jiran pon takde.

I'm just really really really sad right now.
Really really really sad

Surat Untuk Abell

This letter was written days before I left for Sarawak. Guessed I forgot to published it. So here goes. 

Kehadapan kucing kesayanganku Abell,

 I know you won't read this, but I need to let this out. No one else do understand how I feel, so sharing this with them will be pointless. Better off i write it here, so when i miss you i can read this letter.

 I'll be leaving you soon my darling. I'm going to Sarawak, and you, i dont know where will you be. Will you be in Rembau or Muadzam or Marang. Things will be hard my baby. No one really wants to take care of you. I wish i cud bring i with me, but i cant at the moment. I need to settle down first.

Bell, be strong my boy. Jangan nakal please. Kalau bell stay kat rembau, dengar cakap ibu, dgr ckp abah. Jgn kencing berak dlm rumah. Diaorg tak suka. Abell berak la kat luar eh. Abell kene blaja. Abel kan da besa. Da setahun da sayang. Sama jugak kalau abell stay kt muadzam or marang. Abell kene biasekan diri.

Lepas ni mommy xde nak sikatkan abell. Mommy xde nak mndikan abell. Mommy xde nak pelok abell sblom tido. Mommy xde nak sapu ubat dekat hidung abell. Mommy xde nak lap luka abell yang xpernah kering tu. Abell xboleh baring atas perot mommy lagi. Abell xboleh lompat duduk atas peha time mommy online lg. Harap2 siapa yg jaga abell lepas ni boleh mnjakan abell mcm mana mommy manjakan abell.

Abell, jangan lari. Jangan mati. If you xstay kat rembau, mungkin lepas ni susah sikit kite nak jumpe. Abell jgn lupe mommy tau sayang. Kalau cuti pon, xkan papa nak bawak abell dtg rembau kan? Jauh tu. Do u know what is my worst nightmare? That i will lose you. That i wont see you anymore. Thinking abt the possibilities mmg menyedihkan.

Abell tau tak, out of all the human beings yg ade dkt muka bumi ni yg mommy sayang, mommy lagi sedih nak tinggalkan abell. Why? Because dengan manusia kita masih boleh contact walaupun jauh. Mungkin tak bole hari2 tapi at least once a week. Tapi dengan abell, nak contact mcm mana?? Abell bkn bole cakap. Bukn ade skype, facebook, whatsapp!

I hope u will do fine without me. Please don't forget me coz i wont forget u. You will always be my rainbow after the rain. I love u my baby.

Let's pray for our muslim brothers and sisters everywhere.

Doa senjata mukmin. 

Aku sedih la. sedih tengok dunia macam ni. Di Malaysia perang cyber. Ramai keyboard warriors dilahirkan hari-hari. Orang dibawah tak suka orang di atas. Orang sebelah benci orang belakang. Sekali sekala berlaku pergelutan berdarah di jalan.

Di Syria? Di Palestine? Mereka berperang untuk kemanusiaan. Untuk agama. Innocents die every day. Innocent men, women, even children!

Dan akan aku dengar suara sumbang katak yang berkata  "Alah, diorang ni berperang, jiran-jiran negara Arab tu pon bukan nak tolong. Kita pulak beria nak tolong."

Mereka Islam. Kita Islam. Jangan pikir jiran dia xnak tolong, lepastu perlekehkan kita yang jauh ni pulak nak tolong. Salah tolong saudara-saudara Islam kita?

Tolong. Tolong bagaimana? Tak mampu nak berjuang sekali dengan mereka di sana, berjuanglah di sini. Sebarkan khabar tentang mereka. Biar ramai tahu.  Doakan sengsara mereka akan berakhir tidak lama lagi. Jangan harapkan berita di tv saja. Berita di tv padat dengan aktivti-aktiviti di negara kita, tiada ruang untuk menceritakan apa yang terjadi di sana.

Kenapa aku macam ni malam ni? Sebab aku baru lepas tengok video Mr.Bie. Ramai kenal Mr. Bie kan? tak perlu intro panjang tentang beliau. Cukup sekadar tau dia selalu buat parodi lagu2 mainstream jadi lagu islamik/dakwah.

Selama ni aku banyak baca blog2 saja tentang apa yang terjadi di sana. Kali ni Mr. Bie siap compilekan footage2 di sana lagi.

Siapa yang tengok pasti sedih. Pasti mengalir air mata. Doakan mereka. Doakan mereka.

Journey to Mak Lang

Assalamualaikum dear readers yang disayangi dan dirindui selalui. Amboi, lembut gitu intro aku. Haha. Jarang lembut2 ni, ade pape ke??

Anywayyyy...  Entri ni nak cite yang my eldest sister baru je dpt baby yesterdayyy!! To be exact, 6:30pm, 28.11.12 at the weight of 2.93.. Huhuhu..so, im officially a Mak Lang!! Hoooraaaahhh..hoooraahh.. Alhamdulillah..syukur. Baby sihat mak baby sihat..

Jom cite2 sket pengalaman akak i bersalin.. Hahaha.. Slalu org cite pengalaman diri seniri kan.. Bia kali ni aku nak cite dr kaca mata org ketiga plak.. Hehe..

Bercinta selepas kahwin

Orang kate bercinta selepas kahwin itu indah.
Beautiful they said.
Itulah yang sebaik-baiknya.
Dalam novel pon banyak yang bercinta selepas kahwin.
Mula-mula benci, lepas tu sayang.
Sampaikan pernah juga terlintas di hati ini untuk merasai perasaan bercinta selepas kahwin itu yang digambarkan begitu cantik sekali.


Andai suatu hari.
Katakan seseorang tiba-tiba muncul dalam hidupmu.
Menyatakan hasrat untuk menjadikan kau pasangan hidupnya.
Seseorang yang kau tak kenal. Hanya pernah melihat dari jauh
Tetapi dia sudah lama memerhatikanmu.
Dan dia mengatakan dia ikhlas.
Dia terima segala kekurangan dan kelebihan.
Dia ingin bercinta selepas berkahwin.

What would you do?
What would you say?
Would you accept?
Would you decline?
Would you have doubts?
Would you have questions?

Aku? speechless.

Kali kedua

Aku xtau ape masalah ko dgn aku.
Aku xtau ape salah aku dekat ko.
Aku tak tau apsal ko layan aku macam ni.
Aku xtau. Mmg aku xtau..
Aku rase aku layan ko same je mcm yang laen.
Takde lebih.. Takde kurang..
Tak pernah lagi aku khianat ko, aku rase.
Aku dah buat yang terbaik kot untuk jaga hati kau.


Sekarang ni aku rasa mcm dah give up la dengan kau.
Aku xtau nak buat macammana lagi.
Ni dah kali kedua ko buat hal dengan aku..
Masa kali pertama haritu aku stress jugak..
Tapi kite berjaya cari penyelesaiannya..
Kali kedua ni....
Entahlah.. Aku xtau nak kate macammana...
Aku ade banyak bende lagi nak pikir selain pikir pasal ko..
Ko sedar tak??
Aku ade thesis nak kene submit..
Aku ade video yang perlu diedit..
Aku xde mase nak layan ko dengan perangai ko..

Mungkin... Mase aku tengah buat kerja, mungkin aku pon secara xlangsung buat ko stress jugak.
Tapi nak buat mcm mane.. Aku perlukan kau untuk siapkan kerja aku!

So sekarang ni kau dah rosak. Macammane aku nak buat kerja aku????






Why.why.why

laptop dah on... tapi skrin tetap blank..

posted from Bloggeroid

The best therapy

If you are under stress, need someone to share your problems to, seeking for mature advice.. Don't look far. Don't have to search high and low...

Remember Mom..

Yepp. She's the one you should look for. She's the best therapy i ever had.

My rainbow after the rain

After the rain took away my sunshine, i thot i would never see the ray of light again. ...

But God is very kind. He gave me a beautiful rainbow instead :)

1st july 2012
Bella is officially the new member of the family :).

Boboboboboboboiii

It's almost a week now since the day u left us. InsyaAllah will be getting a new kitty soon. But, it won't replace you Boboi. It won't be the same :'). You are one of a kind. Here's a song for you my baby :').

my sunshine has been taken away

rasanya bru semalam aku tengok2 gambar dia... tengok photos dia when he was small.. when his fur was still fluffy.. and as he got older, only part that left fluffy was his tail. so cute.  i still remember the time he caught fever. kesian dia. he used to be an active sport.gigit kaki orang..cakar2 tangan sesiapa saje yg kco dia. tp bile dia demam, dia sgt passive. juz lied there. sleeping.

You and your regrets.

Have you ever been in this situation?

You did something. And it was probably the biggest mistake of your life. You regretted it. You said to yourself,

"I am not going to repeat that same mistake again".

You hate yourself so much because of it. Later on in life, you found yourself in that situation again. Committing the mistake again. In your head, you hear voices saying,

"You are making the same mistake again. You are going to regret this later"

But you did not stop. You did not have the strength to stop it. And just like you predicted, you got hurt and you regretted it. Again. So you said to yourself,

It's finally done!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!



That, my friends, is a big fat huge sign of relief. I finally managed to finished it. Eventhough I challenged myself to get it done by the end of Tuesday, i failed. Only by a day though! It's finally finished. Thank God!

Masa mule2 start doing it, i was like :yeah, i can do this!"

In the middle, i was like " i seriously, hate my job!"

Now that it's done, i am like "i soooooo love my job! I'm soooo goood at this. haha"

Finally. Finally.Finally!! You don't know how happy i am right now. You dont know! You dont know! Only I felt it. The greatness... whoooooooooaaaaaaaahhh~ The air smells good!

Thank You :)

"...em, org lain bleh bt andaian..abg knal sapa aina di mata abg..aina sgt jujur.."


You touched my heart. I don't know which part of the sentence, but it made me form tears in my eyes. thank you. 
I know you are happy now with your life. And i'm not going to interfere. I don't know what and why, but tonight, i felt like apologizing to you. And your reply was....was... was so sincere. Thank you. Thank you for still being my friend. Thank you for still being here when I needed someone.  You will always be one of my sweetest memory. 

Sudah Cukup Sudah!!!!!!

Ok, I"m stressed.

Work. Life. Work. Life. and the weather is frigging hot.

u c me smiling? u c me happy? hahahahehehehehuhuhuhuh.

i'm #foreveralone. and it's killing me! hahahahahahahahhaha ( u see? i dont even know y im laughing!)

ok. work. what about work? when will it end? when? c'mon man! get it done. focus!focuss!focussssss!!!

life? what about it? i don't know. everything.

let me get this out straight. heart to heart

You may feel that i am special to u. You may feel like i treat u different from the others. But to me, you are just another one of my friend. See? I'm such a heartbreaker aren't i? hahahahahaahahha....

gile aku da datang. poyo aku da sampai. sile abaikan.

it has passed midnight. so i need to get my beauty sleep. babai!



p.s: ouh, she's a gold digger.

It's not fair!

You can do what you want, and I can't? I have to follow your words, and you don't have to follow mine? I have to sacrifice my happiness just to satisfy you? Why the double standard? Why aren't you being fair?? I am giving you the freedom to do the thing that you like that i disapprove, why can't vice versa?


I am my own heart la. I have feelings too. Tolong jaga.